The baby is asleep (but because she’s insane probably for like 10 mins) so I’m updating this fast + furious.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I’m a combination of type A perfectionist AND a hypochondriac. Nevermind the latter (I am aware I have issues) but the former is something I’ve been thinking more and more about, especially as I’ve been in counselling lately.
Being a Type A perfectionist can be amazing in MANY MANY ways. We get shit done. We’re hyper organized because we likely have OCD as well. We have high expectations of ourselves and others around us and we are capable of achieving great successes. I like to think a lot of my accomplishments I’ve achieved are because of the vivacity of my Type A nature.
But being Type A is a double edged sword my friend and I’ve quickly realized my inherent nature is what leaves me so vulnerable for the bad feels (i.e. struggle, depression, anxiety, etc) that’s come along with having a baby. It goes against everything that feels right with me: structure, routine, consistency, confidence, competency, SLEEP, etc
Anyways long story short, my mom is leaving this afternoon and I’ll be essentially on my own for the remainder of the week. I have people visiting me during the day so hopefully that will give me some slight reprieve but mostly it’ll be me taking care of the baby, Frankly and trying not to burn the house alive.
In order to help me adjust to her being gone and not send me into full blown anxiety attack, I’ve decided to draft a REALISTIC list of what I should be proud of for accomplishing and making through each day this week on my own:
- Taking Kensington out and walking Frankly – this is a HUGE goal because I have to strap her into a carrier (assuming she’s agreeable) and then go outside to take Franks out for her potty breaks. This previously gave me a LOT of anxiety but I’ve done it a couple of times now and I’m trying to be braver and braver about doing it more often.
- Taking all my vitamins and supplements. This is a HUGE feat and I should really cut myself a break and be proud if I manage to take them all. This includes: 3 prenatal vitamins/ day, 3 encapsulated placenta pills/day, a scoop of probiotics to drink with water, 3 drops of vitamin d and 1 tablespoon of omega fish oil.
- Feeding Kensington – she’s a terrible eater where she lobs on and off the boob for the better part of the hour so having her actually eat enough can be QUITE the challenge.
- Changing Kensington and keeping her (fairly) clean. Bonus if I give her a bath every other day.
- Getting her to sleep. This is a hit or miss. I need to realize that sometimes Kensington just doesn’t want to sleep for whatever reason and I need to give myself a break and realize it’s not me, maybe it’s HER? If she sleeps, AMAZING. If she doesn’t – FML, she’ll make us pay for it later at night. But whatever happens, she’s still going to LIVE.
- Eating myself. The most helpful support my mom provides is she cooks meals for me or can watch the baby while I make food for myself to refuel. Since she’s gone, this will be particularly challenging to do so I’ll have to just figure it out because keeping myself fueled and charged will be KEY to getting through the day.
As long as I’ve accomplished the above, then I need to remind myself I’M DOING IT and l need to leave every other bullshit thought I have out the door that includes: making dinner for Dan, doing laundry, cleaning, keeping the house tidy, trying to organize the random hodge podge of stuff around the house, etc.
Slowly + painfully, Kensington is forcing me to adapt to change in a way I’ve never had to do before and shedding my Type A layer (in a drippingly slow glacial way) so that hopefully I can be a better person for her but also for myself. I can’t be in control of everything (even though I want to!) and somehow I have to learn to not only accept it but let go and welcome the opportunity to adapt and change. I JUST GOTTA LET IT GO (like the song from that annoying movie I’ve never seen but somehow know the lyrics to).
If all else fails and I find myself in a corner crying (several times this week) – then THAT’S OK. I’ll live and so will Kensi and Frankly.
BTW: Full disclosure I’ll likely have consumed this entire box of Buenos by end of the week.