Jamie Foxx + Katie Holmes (and crazy Tom)

Ok guys – I’ve stayed dormant way too long being wrapped up in adulting (btw it’s effing exhausting) so now it’s time to get back to business.

Earlier today I had 2 people randomly tell me how much they miss reading my updates (thanks Courtney + Mariana!) so it really lit the fire in me to start writing again. I spent an hour this afternoon writing a blog post about tips for surviving motherhood and how I’ve quasi reclaimed my life back. Essentially I was framing it as a letter to myself – things I wish I had known 6 months ago that have made the world of difference to me. I had this about 75% written and then my friend Zaza randomly texted me and asked me whether Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx were dating and then I instantly thought of the emoji of the girl slapping her hand to her forehead and thought OH boy, this is actually way more important – so let me educate for those not in the know.

Yes – Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are dating. They’ve been dating secretly but not so secretly for THE PAST FOUR YEARS. They are essentially considered Hollywood’s worst kept secret.

What the what the – if you didn’t know they were dating and this is completely shocking information to you, then you might be wondering WHY ALL THE SECRECY?

Three words: CRAZY TOM CRUISE

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Once upon a time, Tom Cruise was considered Hollywood’s prince charming. The man could do no wrong. The public thought he was some perfect golden boy – hell Oprah thought he was this amazing, great looking, humble pie A lister.

But of course – nobody works THAT hard to portray perfection without hiding something super sinister underneath, and that’s when we started to see the thread that is the Tom Cruise PR machine unravelling.

First – Tom Cruise fired his LONG TIME publicist, one he’s had for FOURTEEN years. Read more about it here in this Vanity Fair article including some interesting tidbits about the man, like how he attended her daughter’s wedding and then bought EVERYTHING on the registry list for her (that’s actually pretty damn cool).

Anyways, he fired her (even though his career skyrocketed under their partnership) and then hired his sister to do his PR… his sister who is a devout Scientologist. Soon after – everything crumbled. That’s when we got the Tom Cruise who seemed crazy in love with Katie Holmes and went on Oprah to jump on a couch.  He was everywhere being super obnoxiously in love that it made people uncomfortable.

That’s also the era when his seemingly perfect public persona started cracking and it was revealed how crazy of a Scientologist he is, essentially the best friend of the sadistic leader David Miscavige.  Apparently according to Leah Remini, Tom Cruise is like the second most high ranking person in the Scientology organization because of how close he is to the leader. Ya know what that means? It means he’s BAT SHIT CRAZY and no amount of PR magic was going to be able to cover that up forever.

Why do you think that Katie Holmes had to divorce him so stealthily? She legit was a ninja and was planning her divorce from TC for MONTHS, with the help of her father (a lawyer) and using BURNER PHONES because everything else she had was tracked and monitored by him and his Scientology cronies.

She clearly had SO MUCH dirt on him that he settled the divorce within DAYS and allowed her to have full custody of Suri. BUT and this is a big BUT, how did she convince him to settle the divorce so quickly and allow her full custody of their daughter? Well – she pretty much had to sell her soul to him… for five years.

APPARENTLY one of the stipulations he enforced was that she couldn’t talk about him AT ALL in any public setting and that she also wasn’t allowed to publicly date ANYONE for five years post their official divorce, in fear of tarnishing his reputation.

Yes that’s right folks, Katie Holmes couldn’t publicly date anyone because Tom Cruise was afraid of how it would make HIS brand look.  Let me just interject here by saying sir: no matter WHO Katie Holmes dates, nobody and nothing could make you look sane. YOU CRAY. You VERY VERY VERY cray.

Anyways, I digress.

Back to Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes. Rumor has it they started seeing each other at least a year after Katie Holmes officially divorced Tom Cruise, and have been seeing each other on and off for years but more seriously in the recent years… leading up to the 5 year anniversary mark where they could LEGIT GO PUBLIC.

Now we start seeing random articles pop up here and there with photos of them together, like this one here of them strolling on the beach together holding hands.

So in summary – instead of writing this long and well thought out post I had almost finished about tips I’ve learned that helped me survive being a mother for the past 7 months, instead I just spent the last 30 minutes rapidly typing about how crazy Tom Cruise is and how Katie Holmes can finally be free to proclaim her love for Jamie Foxx.

But seriously – Tom Cruise scares the shit out of me. He has this almost convincing boy next door smile but I just feel like when I look into his eyes, I see that he’s probably orchestrated a few (or several) murders without blinking an eye. But also – how many more Mission Impossible films can you do? It’s over. Nobody wants to watch any more Mission Impossibles.

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Ok THATS ALL.

More importantly though, should I go back to finishing that article I wrote about tips on how I survived keeping a human alive for the past 7 months? Or blow it off and write more nonsense. Please let me know.

 

 

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